I got a little inspiration last night looking through someone’s Facebook with them. They had this list of why 2012 was a pretty good year (during NYE Im sure), and it kind of got me thinking about my 2012.
It’s funny how different things are all the time, at least for me. 2012 was the year I dated people who were just the wrong fucking people in more ways than one. It’s weird because I never wanted a boyfriend because I thought that most boys were just sodding idiots. I don’t know what changed, but something definitely did.
My boyfriend last year to begin the year with wasn’t even really my boyfriend. I never wanted to admit to it because I fuckin hated him. Yep. I dated someone I hated. I don’t know why or what I was doing, but he was the scum of the Earth…and it’s not even me he was screwing over that made me realize this. He told me he loved me after a month and I told him it was infatuation. It’s not that I don’t believe in love after a month (I have no clue actually) but I just didn’t think he could love anyone but himself.
Fast forward to the summer. I met Jake in the summer and we spent one week together. It’s pretty funny thinking back on it now. How I kept trying to convince myself that he liked me a lot when he wasn’t even going to be around for me ever. No hard feelings there, but that wouldn’t have worked anyway. He was really into drugs, and kind of dumb.
But I think meeting Jake was a good thing because it’s what helped me start accepting guys in my life as more than a friend.
I was forced to pick between Jake and my ex before my ex was even my boyfriend, and I picked my ex. Obviously. And I don’t know why. I guess I was just happy drunk all the time that it seemed like a good idea.
It wasn’t a good idea though. The 5 or so months I was with him, I constantly felt like shit. I haven’t ranted about this on my blog yet, so I might as well during this reflection:
1- I was constantly manipulated into doing things I didn’t want to do to avoid fights
2- I had to deal with a very passive aggressive person at all times, as if I was constantly skating on thin ice, who never could admit if they were in the wrong
3- This person was way more emotional than I was, and I was constantly being put down about it. I had to try and change my personality that he obviously couldn’t handle
4- I was expected to do a lot of things that were never expected of him: I had to constantly praise this person for them to feel like I cared, I had to drive 15 miles all the time to his house and would get a bunch of grief if he had to pick me up, I had to constantly say sorry for things that were so minuscule but if I had a problem, there was a fight about how horrible of a person I was. I was expected to be perfect which is something I know shouldn’t be required from anyone.
5- I was threatened with breakups a few times…. I should’ve accepted the first one looking back on it now.
Thinking back I feel like I should be mad at myself for letting him manipulate me Iike that, when I didn’t even want to be with him past the 3 month mark. But, I can’t help how other people act, I can only deal with it and look out for myself.
So 3 guys in 12 months and what do I have to show for it? That you’ve got to date someone you like. No more saying yes to a date just to be nice. No more feeling like you owe someone something, because people have the tendency of being temporary if they try to change you. No more being scared of hurting someone’s feelings if they clearly don’t even care about yours. I can’t be with people, friends and boyfriends, that think I’d be better if “this happened”, or if I was different.
And I guess most surprising to me is that I haven’t let any of this affect me negatively. I’m trying really hard to be positive because life isn’t as bad as it seems. I’m not the same girl I was last spring that didn’t even believe relationships were worth any time or attention. I’m not the same person that was pissed off all the time. Being happy is my main goal for this year, and although I’m one month late thinking about it, I’d say I’m doing pretty good so far.